Pain during sex, or dyspareunia, is not a mystery. In fact, it’s something that most women will experience at some point in their lifetime [1]. Identified as pain before, during, or after sex – how often does this happen?
The answer: Too often!
While pain during sex may be infrequent for some, it can be chronic for others – leading many women to refrain from sexual intimacy altogether. Society, and even our medical professionals, may sometimes paint sexual pain to be common or something to just deal with.
We must remember: Pain during sex is not normal.
The most important part in pursuing pain free, pleasurable sex is figuring out the source of the problem. While there is a myriad of causes to painful sex, we invite you to explore the most common conditions that affect women.
Most Common Reason: Dryness Vaginal dryness, or lack of vaginal lubrication, is usually the culprit to painful sex. When sexually stimulated, a typical woman’s Bartholin Glands will secrete mucus or “lubrication” in order to prep the vagina for intercourse. This is naturally done to protect your vagina & vulva from injury, such as tearing or abrasions, and make penetration seamlessly comfortable [2]. If the vagina doesn’t have adequate lubrication when engaging in penetration, pain is oftentimes experienced. Guess what? This is totally normal – but solvable.
There are numerous reasons why a woman may experience vaginal dryness [1], such as:
- Hormonal Changes
- Medication
- Stress / Diet
- Age / Menopause
- & More
It’s important to note the phenomenon of Arousal Non-Concordance, better known as amismatch between genital and mental arousal. For example, you may feel sexually aroused mentally, but your genitals may not be responding with lubrication (or erection for males).
In the book Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski, she tells us that cis-women experience complete concordance, or complete match between mental and physical stimulation, only about 10% of the time [5]. This means it’s completely normal to be mentally ready and eager for sex, and have your body not respond fully with lubrication.
Gynecological Conditions
It’s not uncommon to have underlying gynecological issues that contribute to painful sex. Most commonly, conditions like Vaginismus, Vulvodynia, Endometriosis, PCOS, Fibroids, and Cysts can be to blame [1]. Each of these disorders (and many others) carry debilitating symptoms that can affect day to day life such as cramping, bleeding & vaginal dryness.
Notably, one of the root causes of this pain in most these conditions is inflammation.
Inflammation of the vaginal tissues and surrounding areas can make sex extremely uncomfortable, or impossible. This pain can start at the opening of the vagina, or can be deeply felt near the cervix and lower abdomen. Unfortunately, this pain can also be felt during day to day activities depending on extremity of condition.
This pain is not normal, and needs to be addressed. We implore you to visit a medical professional to seek answers, support, and most importantly- a correct diagnosis. Conditions like endometriosis can take years to diagnose due to lack of reliable diagnostic methods, leading many women to years of pain [3]. Finding a medical professional that is determined to tend to your needs, attentive, and empathetic is essential.
When accurately diagnosed, women can begin therapy or treatment plans to find solutions to their pain. This may come in the form of medication, hormone therapy, surgery and products such as body-safe, pH-balanced, water-based lubricants, serums, dilators.
Finding Your Ideal Position
A key source of painful sex can simply be the position you’re in.
- Depending on time of month, your cervix may be lower and prone to being agitated by penetration.
- Depth of penetration in certain positions can cause pain from hitting the cervix.
- Your partner’s penis size can contribute to pain during certain positions.
- Certain angles may not work with your body.
The root source of this problem is usually depth of penetration. Luckily, there are easy solutions to try if the pain you experience is position based.
Try new positions, and have fun with it! Depth can be controlled by varying positions, and can also add an element of adventure to your intimacy.
Products like penetrative depth buffers can help control a partner’s depth into the vagina. We recommend using water-based lube on your partner’s penis to apply rings, and go stacking until you reach desired depth control. Rest assured if your lube is water-based, it is safe to use with all sex toy materials. Plus, who doesn’t want a little extra lube!
Emotional Distress
Not often brought up is the emotional/mental attributes of painful sex. Conditions like vaginismus, involuntary spasming of the vaginal pelvic muscles, can be emotionally driven [4].
Factors such as anxiety, stress, trauma, and more can create a connection between pain and sex. Often times, they can lead to not experiencing any form of sexual arousal, making the physical act of sex uncomfortable. Many women find they have fear around sex, anxiety about physical appearance, or physical responses that can be triggered from trauma [1].
A trained, mental health professional alongside a pelvic floor therapist can be a major asset in finding sexual solutions. For example, someone with vaginismus may visit a mental health professional, while also working with a pelvic floor physical therapist to relax the vaginal muscles. This is usually done in the form of training with dilators of varying sizes, pelvic exercises, and relaxation techniques [4]. If you suffer from pelvic pain, consider a Zoom consultation with a pelvic floor physical therapist such as Los Angeles-based Heather Jeffcoat DPT. She also authored an incredible self-care treatment guide Sex without Pain that you may find helpful.
Better Sex is Possible.
Remember, you are not defined by your condition or your pain. Pain during sex is not normal, and should not be something you “deal with”. The GoLove family is here to not only make better sex possible, but to provide you the education to make best informed choices in your sexual health. It’s an honor to be a part of your journey, and bringing back the joy in sex.
Don’t put off intimacy any longer. GoLove instead!
Sources:
[1]https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/painful-intercourse/symptoms-causes/syc-20375967
[2] https://www.healthline.com/health/womens-health/vaginal-wetness#1
[3]https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/26389666/
[4]https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/vaginismus/
[5] https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090